this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
