i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
