I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
