dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
