every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
