I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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