Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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