guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize