Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
