another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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