1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
