the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
