Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i drank out of a bidet.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
