god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
