Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
