$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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