Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
