wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
