apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
