I'm jealous of your bromance
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
