I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
