idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
