I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she smelled like a LAN party
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
