I'm really into asian looking animals
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
