i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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