I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
