just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
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On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
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because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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