how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
