apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
