My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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