I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
