and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Congratulations! We have a period
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