We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
