I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
