Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
