Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
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