just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
my poor anus
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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