You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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