the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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