Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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