Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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