Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
