What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
How external is "for external use only"?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
