I will die if light touches me.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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