you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
