Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
