My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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