I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
