I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
