bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
