New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
