you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
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Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
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All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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