if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
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please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
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I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize